I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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