i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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