I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
