So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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