What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
