You can't special order awesome
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
