The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
