My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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