I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
