I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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