WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
