You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We are all done wearing pants today
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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