Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
