I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
