Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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