so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
