So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
