I just saw a hot homeless man
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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