I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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