Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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