Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
