How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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