I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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