I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
