Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
