I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
