Four minutes until I can fart!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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