My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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