I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
it glows. i had to have it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
