I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
