ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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