I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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