grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
