im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize