My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
