I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
