Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
