Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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