you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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