i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
