The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
People in love make me want to vomit
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
