i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
