never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
