I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
cat food counts as protein by the way
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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