i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
