Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
