Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
