go do what you do best...puke behind churches
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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