dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
