You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
