i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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