It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I want her autograph on my taint
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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