My entire life is one complicated drinking game
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
