Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
