I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Drunk is not a location!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
