fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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