ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize