I wish I could punch you in the face.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
