First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
