I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Randomize