Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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