Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
