I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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