He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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