I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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