I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
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