At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Randomize
